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cheyenne
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| Joined: 09 Mar 2008 |
| Posts: 362 |
| Location: The World |
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| Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:45 pm |
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Sparrow’s Flight
A sparrow flies with fastened wings when night
Is night. Before the dawn has time to leap,
Before the stars become a lamp of light,
A flight across the heaven’s dark and deep.
His haunting voice like whispered notes that speak
Of love and passion’s treat of shimmered gold.
The music trills by feathered eye and beak,
A tiny bird whose secrets promise told.
When dawn decides to peek with amber stains,
The sparrow weeps for stronger wings to fly
Across all time with grace where love remains.
He dries his tears and sweeps the endless sky.
An impish cloud of purple holds a rhyme,
The soaring sparrow lauds his tune divine.
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Ali Shonak
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| Posts: 406 |
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| Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:23 pm |
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Hi Chey;
I'm not prepared to offer much critique on this one; still fighting symptoms of an illness. Overall, here is a veiled revelation or mysticism that I can't quite fathom. Let me raise some points, but, mostly, let this serve to mark my place to which I may return. I might add that "sonnet means" little song, one that should be fairly simple to follow. Maybe my understanding of it is a bit too basic. Thanks for posting your sonnet. Ali
| cheyenne wrote: |
Sparrow’s Flight
A sparrow flies with fastened wings when night (sparrows aren't night birds)
Is night. Before the dawn has time to leap, (do you mean dusk followed by night)?)
Before the stars become a lamp of light,
A flight across the heaven’s dark and deep.
His haunting voice like whispered notes that speak
Of love and passion’s treat of shimmered gold. (shimmered gold? why)
The music trills by feathered eye and beak, (not sure what's meant by that)
A tiny bird whose secrets promise told. (promise told?)
When dawn decides to peek with amber stains,
The sparrow weeps for stronger wings to fly
Across all time with grace where love remains.
He dries his tears and sweeps the endless sky.
An impish cloud of purple holds a rhyme, (not sure this couplet gives a new concluding image)
The soaring sparrow lauds his tune divine. |
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cheyenne
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| Posts: 362 |
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| Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 3:11 am |
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Hi Ali...I am so sorry you are ill...I hope it isn't that awful swine flu. I have a great-grandson that was diagnosed with that yesterday but he is doing better today and I hope you are too. I will work on this sonnet more and re-post. Don't worry about critiquing it more right now...wait until I do the re-write. Thanks so much....chey
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Davidmm
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| Joined: 10 May 2009 |
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| Location: UK |
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| Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 6:00 pm |
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Hello Chey
Just when you thought it was safe to float a metaphorical sonnet boat on the metaphorical water I come along out of the blue. Don't run, I have gotcha and you cant escape my critique now 
Sadly, I see you making some typical Chey errors; you are trying too hard to make your work poetic (if that makes sense). Once you start doing that, unfortunately you let the sense of the poem get dictated to by the form instead of trying to tell your story in as simple a manner as possible.
I see that Ali has started to make some comments and that you are re-examining your work so I shall withhold any further comment till later.
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Davidmm
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| Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 5:43 pm |
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Oh dear. Something I said? 
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