poetry 4 suzanne Forum Index » General comment and lite critique View previous topic :: View next topic Fog cheyenne Moderator Offline Joined: 09 Mar 2008 Posts: 362 Location: The World Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:56 pm Fog I came to the forest to see why it is so sad. Trees are slumping with sorrow while graying fog creeps between mountains and aching souls. Shadows spill randomly. Listen… the only sound is silence. When streaks of sun slither and nudge fog’s fraying edges, the forest sighs and stands to greet another day. A gentle breeze wraps my fragile soul. I weep no more. _________________ If you dream you can achive it Re: Fog Ali Shonak Member Offline Joined: 22 Jun 2009 Posts: 406 Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:32 pm Chey, I like this very much. Oh, yes, the sound of silence. That's very good, lol. "Graying fog"? I might skip the graying; maybe. Nice poem, no nits. Ali cheyenne wrote: Fog I came to the forest to see why it is so sad. Trees are slumping with sorrow while graying fog creeps between mountains and aching souls. Shadows spill randomly. Listen… the only sound is silence. When streaks of sun slither and nudge fog’s fraying edges, the forest sighs and stands to greet another day. A gentle breeze wraps my fragile soul. I weep no more. _________________ First, understand all aspects of poetry, but then slip outside the confining matrix. Heathen Member Offline Joined: 25 Jun 2009 Posts: 97 Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 2:24 am I'll nit on the ending a little bit......seemed like you introduced a new context of a late arriving personal spin on a poem that was focused only and directly on the forest's "issues" and might best have stayed right there........ I really admired the wordings craftsmanship until you ran it off at the conclusion........I was in highest enjoyment........ Hope you'll kill the last 2 lines.......and return in replacement to a themed ending that stays right on the forest-centric laser beam of the rest of it. Re: Fog SkaaDee Member Offline Joined: 30 Jun 2009 Posts: 22 Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:32 pm cheyenne wrote: Fog I came to the forest to see why it is so sad. Trees are slumping with sorrow while graying fog creeps between mountains and g souls. Shadows spill randomly. Listen… the only sound is silence. When streaks of sun slither and nudge fog’s fraying edges, the forest sighs and stands to greet another day. A gentle breeze wraps my fragile soul. I weep no more. I like this Chey. I would suggest subtle edits like: I came to the forest to see why so sad. Trees slump in sorrow while graying fog creeps between mountains and souls. etc. just a thought, please disregard if it doesn't strike your fancy. Fog You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum You cannot attach files in this forum You cannot download files in this forum All times Are GMT   Page 1 of 1   All Posts1 Day7 Days2 Weeks1 Month3 Months6 Months1 Year Oldest FirstNewest First  Select a forumAbout SuzanneThe RulesIntroductionsAnnouncementsSuzanne's Winners GallaryGeneral comment and lite critique Dark & IntrospectiveSearching for the SonnetTopical conversationsExperimentalBeginners Inspirational & SpiritualHumour ClinicPoetry boards & forums we recommendHomepage linksYour favorite placeMusic linksAchievementsReview it   poetry 4 suzanne Forum Index » General comment and lite critique View previous topic :: View next topic Report Abuse Hosted by Forum5 | Free Forum Powered by phpBB © 2001-2004 phpBB Group phpBB Style by Vjacheslav Trushkin | Styles Database.