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 | The Beauty Of A Broken Heart |  | |  |
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Pandora
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| Joined: 30 Mar 2008 |
| Posts: 88 |
| Location: Minnesota |
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:59 pm |
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At night, chemistry and crying
Committing suicide
Cigarettes and slow songs
On some mixed tape he made.
Each one screaming love,
Flaying off your skin.
Your brain burned with
Magic words that made you love him,
Give yourself completely,
Turn You into We.
Now on that couch,
Pieces gouged out
Where he used to fit.
The darkness caressing carefully,
Like Mother's consoling wounded knees,
Vodka saying I told you so.
Eyes so wet, a heart so dry.
“He was the one,” you say to the rising sun,
But she doesn’t believe it either
And there you lay,
In a tomb of sofa cushions,
Waiting for the phone to stop.
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Last edited by Pandora on Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:47 pm; edited 2 times in total
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| Re: The Beauty Of A Broken Heart | | | |
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nekot
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| Joined: 18 Mar 2008 |
| Posts: 61 |
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:16 pm |
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I indeed feel the heart brokenness in this piece....the numbness when the brokenness has drained each last ounce of emotion. I read an irony in your title.
Enjoyed it Pandora.
*thumbsup*
I've a couple suggestions and grammatical notes below in your piece.
note: Critique is not my forte; I'm for poetic literary license, even in grammar. So these are just suggestions. 
| Pandora wrote: |
At night, chemistry and crying
Committing suicide
Cigarettes and slow songs
On some mixed tape he made.
Each one screaming love,
Flaying off your skin. [delete Each one]
Your brain burned with
Magic words that made you love him, want him,
Give yourself completely,
Turn You into We.
Now on that couch,
Pieces gouged out [delete are]
Where he used to fit.
The darkness caressing carefully,
Like Mother's consoling wounded knees, [or a mother's]
Vodka saying I told you so.
Eyes so wet, a heart so dry.
“He was the one,” you say to the rising sun,
But she doesn’t believe it either.
And there you lay,
In a tomb of sofa cushions,
Waiting for the phone to stop. |
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L.lora
Site Admin
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| Joined: 26 Feb 2008 |
| Posts: 275 |
| Location: USA |
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 11:09 pm |
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Excellent read, and excellent suggestions...this is definitely a thumbs up poem..
Lora
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"Freedom is a feather dancing silently on the wind"
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jim
Site Admin
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| Joined: 12 Feb 2008 |
| Posts: 414 |
| Location: Scotland |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:57 pm |
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Nice piece of work Pandora.
My suggestion (if I'm allowed) would be to look at the shape of the poem.
Try not to have a sentence sticking out on it's own.
Someone once said to me that you should stand back and look at the poems shape, as if it were a painting.
TC
Jim
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http://www.authorsden.com/jamesmurphy
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Pandora
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| Joined: 30 Mar 2008 |
| Posts: 88 |
| Location: Minnesota |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:46 pm |
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Ah, of course. Thanks for the suggestion Jim!
Actually, I was wondering why it looked off.
Now I see it!
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